A Comparitive Analysis of Selected Products in the North American Infant Nasal Aspirator Industry

Whoa, sounds like a thesis title. Well, what I’d really like is for Consumer Reports to hire me as a panel expert. I guess the subtitle could be Battle of the Boogar Balls.

You see, my nose has been chock full o’ snot, and Mommy & Daddy are having a terrible bad time helping me breathe. Desperate fools, they keeping getting all these different things to try to do the job. So I’ll review four of them, plus relay a bit of cultural wisdom from East Africa.

Without further delay, here is my analysis, from left to right, in order of decreasing effectiveness.

1. The gold standard – The “Hospital-Style Nasal Aspirator” – co-branded with Red Cross and The First Years. On sale at Target for $1.99, this is the last nose-related purchase my parents have made. It has good suction, hip ipod-like good looks, and stands up for handy storing. If you look closely, you’ll see it features an “Over Insertion Guard”. It’s small too, so Daddy wouldn’t look silly carrying it in his pocket. Hey, that’s not funny…

2. This is the real hospital grade aspirator. It actually came home with me from the hospital. It’s made for saliva, but when Daddy got real desperate he tried to force this thing up my tiny nostril to bring some relief. I cried, but I knew deep down he was only trying to ‘hep.

3. “Nasal Aspirator” by Rite Aid. Not a bargain at $2.99 (although supposedly marked down from $3.49). Daddy thought he got a decent deal, though he secretly wished he could have checked Wal-Mart first to save 30-50 cents. So-called soft infant sized tip was too large (hey, and I’m no small boy either) and this one just didn’t work. The cheapskates returned it – can you believe it? They returned it!

4. Medicine dropper. Not effective, but was just hanging around for other baby uses and they gave it a try. A few times. Thankfully they found the first one.

Cultural lesson: In East Africa they don’t have such silly things. If baby’s nose is really stuffed, those sweat dear mothers over there will suck it out – providing instant relief and just the right amount of suction.

Ah, the love a mother, what can match it?